[14 Nov 2005|02:46pm] [ music | love is hell-ryan adams ] so this is it. this is life. not the rehearsal i've been telling myself it is all semester. i'm living it right now. it won't be better in a month, next semester, next year. i'm choosing this, i'm doing this, no blame can be placed anywhere else. grow a pair and start living. my new motto. post comment

[04 Nov 2005|05:36pm] ummm yeah. what a crazy ride this has been so far. i'm starting to really enjoy myself, so thats always good good good, right? i thought so. yep. idk i saw a link to lj and remembered i should update it! post comment

[22 Oct 2005|09:46pm] [ music | ryan adams ] I feel like I’ve been abandoned on a street corner. Or maybe I got off the bus a stop too soon and everyone else is still riding along while I’m being sprayed with muddy water from a passing vehicle. I’m not doing great in any of my classes, not horrible, but not where I should be. Not getting A’s is a strange feeling. I haven’t had to actually work for a grade in so long that this feeling is so foreign and I don’t know how to handle it. I keep looking forward to going home and just soaking it all in: like summertime. I just want to go back to start and re-roll the dice. It hurts even more when my shortcomings are pointed out to me. I don’t want anyone’s pity, I just want their friendship. I think we’re both a little shy, that’s why nothing has happened yet. I want to spend all of my time with this kid, we’re so similar. I don’t know if that means compatible, but it wouldn’t hurt to find out. I just want to find some people who want to be with me. I don’t want to just force myself into a group because they’ve all made their own friends already, but I’m just slow at doing things like that. I’m so inept it hurts. I want to be home. post comment

what i want [09 Oct 2005|10:32pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | cold roses- ryan adam ] what do i want? i want a man...who will be happy to give me the Special Dark chocolate [my favorite] in exchange for Mr. Goodbar, because he knows i don't really like them. and if i really love him, he can have some of the Krakel bars too. we could watch pointless television all night, like My Fair Brady and Breaking Bonaduce on VH1 just sitting on a bad laughing about it. just as long as we're together. the relationship won't be based on little gifts and surprises, just being together laughing at everything, sharing inside jokes and making new ones. it's begin perfectly content in eachothers rooms laying there watching ESPN news all night and fighting over whether Mike Greenburg is fact or fiction. i just want to be an extension of someone else. no frills, just there. god that sounds so fucking lame. post comment

what to do, what to do [03 Oct 2005|12:34am] pity the ladies in waiting! but seriously, i just don't know. on one hand, i would feel normal. on the other, i would feel like i'm letting myself down, and those around me who respect the choice. i don't want to do it to be cool, i want to do it to prove that it's nothing, and that it's no more exciting than playing scrabble for four hours. i just want to get it over with. i feel vulnerable. i don't want to be left in the dust...that's it. in plain english, i feel like i'm missing out on something i know isn't really that cool, but i have to do it to prove to myself it's not. who knows, i probably will like it, a lot. but i don't want people to judge me on whether or not i do it. post comment

[29 Sep 2005|10:56pm] i'm horrible at studying. i can't pay attention in class. i don't know how it is possible for me to get a 3.3 without killing myself first. i can't study! i need help. i need to learn how to properly take a course. i have no clue. ahhhhhhhhhhh please god don't let me fail this test. it's the last thing i need. post comment

[17 Sep 2005|11:34am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | the past and pending-the shins ] i keep questioning if i chose the right place. i could be anywhere i want right now, but i'm here. was i wrong? did i just settle for something that i didn't really want, but thought would make me happy? i don't know, but i don't start to feel happier, i'm going to have to do something about it. it's not fair to anyone really if i'm unhappy. this is my life we're talking about. i guess i really took my friends for granted. it's been so long since i've had to meet new people, i've forgotten how to act. post comment

[13 Sep 2005|04:14pm] [ music | this year's love-david gray ] things are going well right now. roomie is back from her bout with mono, so while i don't have the room to myself, i now have someone to talk to. classes are picking up and i've been doing real homework! i don't believe it's true. i need to start getting dressed for classes though, looking like a slob will not, i repeat will not, get me anywhere. post comment

[08 Sep 2005|10:16pm] [ music | golden- a girl called eddy ] i'm feeling better. spending more time with my brother, who is the coolest. we have lunch dates set up for mon, wed, fri since we're all alone. should be nice to see him. i'm so fucking ungreatful it makes me sick. case and point: my mom is so excited about this surprise that she calls me instead of just waiting to email me or just send it. i can't take the suspense, so she gives me some clues and then eventually just spills the beans. it's super cute and yes, i've wanted one forever, but it's a backpack style Vera Bradley handbag. what am i going to do with a backpack? she said she can't return it, but she'll try to exchange it for a different bag. i feel horrible, because yeah it's cute and i would use it, but it's not what i want. i didn't even ask for it, she got it for me because she loves me, and i can't even accept it without a complaint. what a horrible person. i should call her and tell her it's great and i would love it. post comment

[05 Sep 2005|01:54am] [ music | friend of the devil- counting crows ] i miss my parents. i almost start to cry every time my mom IMs me. She told me to call tomorrow so i can talk to my dad, but i don't know if i can even call without starting to cry. i never realized how much i would miss them, but not having them there every night is just too weird. i miss home. i want to start having fun here. post comment

[01 Sep 2005|12:33pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | holland- sufjan stevens ] well i made it here, in one piece i might add. how do i feel? i expected some sort of difficulty here, but things are coming around. just going to class, doing some homework, slowly making friends. you know, college stuff. i can't believe i'm saying this, but i miss my parents. i miss watching TV mindlessly throughout the day. i miss driving through a town with two stoplights. i know i have freedom here, but i miss the kind i had at home. the kind where you can get up and move as you please. i think it's certain i will miss illinois. i'm in a pickle of a jam regarding a friend issue as well. i want to be honest, but i don't want to hurt them so much that we'll never speak. and i think this person is too fragile to crack right now, but i can't simply let this continue. being honest sucks sometimes. sufjan stevens is simply the greatest musical discovery i've made on my own. i listen to him almost all the time. there's nothing else i would rather put on in most cases. it's just so. we are...penn state? post comment

[04 Aug 2005|05:23pm] leaving for the Turks and Caicos on Saturday. uhhhhh so much to do before that, like get the roommate sitch figured out. god penn state, put the switch button back up before i hurt someone. 1 comment|post comment

[30 Jul 2005|07:20pm] [ music | the phillies game and anchorman ] huh, life is pretty crazy. so i thought we were moving in October, but now it's looking like after Christmas. and no Turkey Day in Florida, thank goodness. so i'll be back in the midwest for the holidays once again. yay! he's not around anymore, and while i want to say that i need him and miss him, i really don't. it just goes to show how much we really talk about nothing at all. xanga is doing it's job, but i'm really not getting what i want out of it. so back here i go. it is so hard to quit writing for an audience though, so hard. post comment

[13 Jul 2005|12:54am] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | fix you- coldplay ] Laurie got teary eyed tonight. i didn't think people would cry over it, i'm not THAT important to them. idk it made me feel like i should be crying too, but i'm not. i just don't feel that way about it. i've kinda pawned all of this on Jenna, which i feel bad for, but she's always around when i need to talk about it. so i need to thank her for that because i would have no one else to talk to about it. ugh and this new Coldplay album is upsetting. it really doesn't compare to the other two. it just seems like they tried to make every song PERFECT, but ended up ruining most of them by over analyzing what they had. noah's ark on saturday. should be a real party. post comment

[09 Jul 2005|12:31am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | aqualung on Conan! ] how are they taking the news? i don't know if they're taking it at all. i really haven't gotten the response i expected. but that just goes to show you, if you expect something grand, it won't happen. i just wanted to feel loved and wanted, but all i got was comments from people i care about, but not the right people. you just can't win. i wanted to be reassured that i will be missed, not be forgotten, and that i will see some people again. i've never felt the love i wanted, and it looks like i never will. post comment

[07 Jul 2005|12:13am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | conan's voice ] taking Thoreau's advice, i'm going to say what i have to say. so please don't try and guess which one is for you, it doesn't matter. this is more for me than anything. * i want to share everything with you, but hold back, because gosh i bet it's annoying. even i wouldn't want to hear about myself. * you make me question what i really like and dislike. i'm no longer afraid to say i don't like things. * i don't understand what's between us, but i'm having a lot of fun. * i think i finally realized i'm going to miss you, and i've been missing you for the past few years. * i don't think i'm going to miss you as much as i thought. * we just keep crawling back don't we? * i think you're handling things poorly, but i can't really blame you anymore. post comment

[06 Jul 2005|12:50am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | clocks-coldplay ] social life: it's nice to see people and get out of the house. but it's damn hard to sit there with them, and not tell them what's really going on. i just want to scream it and then run away. i just want them to know so i don't have to lie anymore. but i think i'm making a big deal about this. post comment

[03 Jul 2005|08:24pm] [ music | breaking my heart-aqualung ] i've been listening to sad music all day, as if i was going through a rough break-up. that is hardly the case. 1) you actually need to be in a relationship to break up. i think i'm just mad at everything that's going on. i love reading. i have a short list of books i wish to purchase and want to do so as soon as possible. and since i spent no money today, i have plenty to use on books. post comment

[03 Jul 2005|10:10am] god i should fucking know better than to make plans because i just know they will fall through. happens every time. what a class act though, calling less than 2 hours before we're supposed to leave. nice call. chances of me being less mad if this was yesterday before 8PM: 70%. at least i would have had something else to do then. like BE IN MILWAUKEE. post comment

[03 Jul 2005|12:01am] [ music | pink bullets-the shins ] i think i chose to isolate myself from everyone else. i mean, i quit xanga, which basically disconnected me from everyone since people read that thing religiously. so yes, i did this to myself. i keep telling myself, it's just preparation for what's to come. oh hell, i miss everyone. maybe i want that gratification only xanga comments can bring. we all want it. attention. it's a bitch post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]